The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
this is the best day of my life
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?