I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
of COURSE it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US THE WHOLE TIME
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
DAUGHTER: So I gather
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming