@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

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@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

@Jacob_Swift16

Therapy

Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant
Me: WHOA

@Parentpains

If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

@ArfMeasures

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming