The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.