The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.


*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*


If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.


5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff


It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?


While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂


Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you


astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy