@_iamalik

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

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@SteveKoehler22

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

@Lovestained555

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

@MableGertrude

If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.

@Cpin42

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

@TheBoydP

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

@Spilling_The_T

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

@Gupton68

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

@AubriePesky

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy