@_iamalik

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

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@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@thatdutchperson

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

@Cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

@isaaaa

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

@iwearaonesie

i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

@Sickayduh

[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
“Fish?”
– Gross no
“Steak?”
– No. Anything is fine tho.
“Pasta?”
– Ew carbs

@AnkCoupleTO

Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*

@MeredithIreland

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

@shutupmikeginn

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’