The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Good news
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”