[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
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[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Facebook memories be like
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.