If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
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You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton
Werewolves in the 80’s destroyed so much denim.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.