@WorstCassie

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

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@UnFitz

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

@leechee420

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

@bartandsoul

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

@meganamram

Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough

@dinnersruined

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@sofarrsogud

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

@TimODee16

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.