The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

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Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.


How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?


16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping


Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough


I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.


*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’


Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?


With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.