THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.