If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.