When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
based al yankovic
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Imma just leave this here…………
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME