@SarahFemme

The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

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@girl_a_whirl

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

@dave_cactus

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

@BunAndLeggings

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

@HoldinCoffeeld

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

@radtoria

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free