I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
this is so top tier i cant
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I hope they boil the right one.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back