The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I’m giving up ice.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.