@kelkulus

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

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@E_lok44

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

@ibid78

We built this city on rock n roll. The streets have no names. The midnight train goes anywhere. Stairways climb to heaven. Tbh its a gd mess

@sofarrsogud

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

@thedad

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

@WittySassBasket

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@natalayhehoo

My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge

@LeonHWolf

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”