The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Jupiter
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…