The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.