The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
You Might Also Like
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu