the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.