@RubenWriter

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

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@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@briancthayer

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

@mommajessiec

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

@mallaidhanne

if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life

@junejuly12

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.