7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
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Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life
Me: meet me at 8 sharp
Kid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.