The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left


Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?


– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)


[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change


“Dad, what’s the difference between love and lust?”
– Well, ya know your teddy bear?
“I love it”
– While you’re at school, the dog lusts it.


[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent’s jacket]
Terrorist: FBI?
Agent: uhhh
Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector


What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.


Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.