The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.