Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.
HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.