The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Sniffing the broccoli
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT