@NicCageMatch

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

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@missusmelis

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

@dafloydsta

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

@ThatThunderMan

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

@House_Feminist

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

@yoyoha

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

@TheHyyyype

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

@SvnSxty

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

@Big_Cat74

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.