Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.