The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
let’s discuss