My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.
And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
her: do you believe in astrology?
me: yeah of course stars exist
her: no like horoscopes
me: ohhh, i use a telescope
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train
ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.
ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-
ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.