@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

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@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@Laser_Cat

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

@One_FineMess

Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.

And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

@Cheeseboy22

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

@lincnotfound

her: do you believe in astrology?

me: yeah of course stars exist

her: no like horoscopes

me: ohhh, i use a telescope

@Tbone7219

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

@_Enanem_

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

@eedrk

girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train

@thenatewolf

ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.

ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-

ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.