The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
good let them take over I have had enough
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly