commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
😍😂🥰😂😍
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression