@Cheeseboy22

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@Stryfe74

Forgetting what you went into the kitchen to get is one thing but, it’s darn scary when you can’t remember why you went into the bathroom!

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!

*leaves

@RunOldMan

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

@iwearaonesie

[texting]
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

@Introvert_Dad

Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne