The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Yup
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My work here is don’t.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
🤣dope
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…