The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

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Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…


Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.


Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.


Forgetting what you went into the kitchen to get is one thing but, it’s darn scary when you can’t remember why you went into the bathroom!


Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.


[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!



People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.


me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)


Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne