The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Legend 🤣🤣
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
But wait…
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Not today, today.
Not today.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*