The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Smells like a challenge to me
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no