@Julescoop

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

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@LuvPug

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

@Molly_Kats

WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.

@Diversion50

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

@MarfSalvador

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

@HomeWithPeanut

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

@goodballs

If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

@_GrahamPatrick

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.

@alexlumaga

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad