The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.