The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
True freaking story!