The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My current situation
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me checking my bank balance online.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.