The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.