ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.