6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall