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@Reverend_Scott

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

@OohSnapItsChris

My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.

@Concertina81

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

@WittySassBasket

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@DanMentos

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

@Beagz

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

@SteveSuckington

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

@goodballs

Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.