Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Cat.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Had a spot of bother earlier.