The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Blew my mind.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??