The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
You Might Also Like
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.