Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.