@RandallOtisTV

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

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@sofarrsogud

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

@roxiqt

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

@DanMentos

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

@RickAaron

I’d to make a few comments about my late wife. We have plenty of time since she won’t be here for at least an hour.

@SwedishCanary

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@charliedelta7

In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.