ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’d to make a few comments about my late wife. We have plenty of time since she won’t be here for at least an hour.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math
In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.