The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
being a writer on Twitter:
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”