The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.