Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
W: “they’re running along side the car”
The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me: I want a pet dragon!
Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.
Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope