@meganamram

The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing

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@withanewname

Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
Me: “why?”
W:
M:
W: “they’re running along side the car”

@TheSofiya

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

@FreudsTwin

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

@hstweetheart

Me: I want a pet dragon!

Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

@sirmunchie

Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.

@3sunzzz

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.