The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing

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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.


Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.


Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.


Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.


Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.


You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.


The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.


[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart


No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”