@meganamram

The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing

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@gingerfaced

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

@junejuly12

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

@Maxine12333

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

@GinRumMe

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

@ceejoyner

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

@FeverFlave

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

@JocMaxedOut

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

@lunchmane

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”