[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.