The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?