The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
What personal space?
My dog
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice