“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
My candy bar fell off by itself from my table and now I’m watching youtube tutorials how to fight against evil spirits.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me: almost done?
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
white gays are out of control, this dude on grindr just told me he had brunch at 6pm. boy that is dinner
“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”
*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*