The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


Whenever I’m on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.


Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired


some say Leonardo DiCaprio was a star before Titanic and some say he was a not a star but personally I will not be satisfied with this debate until Neil DeGrasse Tyson weighs in boringly about the scientific definition of “star” and everyone yells at him


Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?


daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao


Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.


Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys


[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now