@KelleysBreakRm

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

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@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

@truegritrumble

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

@_SingleBabyMama

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

@VodkaThursday

Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it

@flashember

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

@waitfortheQ

My candy bar fell off by itself from my table and now I’m watching youtube tutorials how to fight against evil spirits.

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

@dogwithaknife

white gays are out of control, this dude on grindr just told me he had brunch at 6pm. boy that is dinner

@Ygrene

“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”

*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*