The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*