@KelleysBreakRm

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

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@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@curlycomedy

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

@jtswhipped

I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?

@DurtMcHurtt

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@AbbieEvansXO

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

@Home_Halfway

[on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies