The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!