@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

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@HPJArt

youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine

@JJSummertime

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

@HrBry

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@BadassBarbie11

If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.

@1Happytwit

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@WetzelGeek

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.