The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.