youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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I thought you said gin.
Either way, make mine a double.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.