The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
doing your own taxes
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how