The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.


5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.

I don’t know how to counter that argument.


Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?


Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop


If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.


[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit


People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of


I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.