The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Coffee is ready.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.