I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wake Me Up Before You YOLO. #RuinAn80sSong
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Cause of death: sneezing while driving
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.