My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
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I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.