The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy


The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.


escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single


Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.


The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away


Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*


My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.