Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Chicken bread
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
This will never not be funny 😭
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice