The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Mornin
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.