The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.