Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice