The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?